Monday, August 25, 2014

Little Orphan Annie

From the time I was little, flawless perfection was the focus. Shame overwhelmed me each time a mistake was made. The God of my childhood loved me in spite of them. My logic was IF a mistake was never committed then God’s ability to love me was a little easier. My emotions, opinions and even my body were not always under my control. No matter how hard I tried to be good, obedient and flawless it would end up the same: failure.

I would pray until I fell asleep begging God to fix it. I cried out to him:
To be my refuge.
To make me feel safe.
To save me.

Fear and chaos ruled my mind.

I was 14 when I stepped on the scale. It said 100 POUNDS.

100 marbles rolling across the floor.
100 people in a room.
100 pounds was heavy to pick up.
100 things was a lot of things

I looked in the mirror and words from boys in the past echoed: You’re fat.

I pinched an inch and in the mirror I saw Lulu from HeeHaw. The way I felt about myself and life up to that point became concrete: fat was out of control. Gluttony was a sin. I couldn’t admit the chaos within. To be anxious was worry. Worry was a sin. Therefore how I felt was a lack of faith.  If I could control fat, then I could control everything. I wouldn't have to be afraid anymore. I could be safe.

Since prayer hadn't fixed it, then fasting would. Jesus said so. If I could control what I put into my mouth, then Jesus could deliver me. Jesus would heal me. My sin wouldn't keep him away anymore. I spent the next 7 years controlling every thing I put in my mouth to keep my safe number of 98 lbs. When life became too chaotic, a blissful peace of a fast would bring me peaceful sanity. I lived a lie of control and contrition: a false submission to God.

The truth of this dis-ease is fear.

Fear of losing control
Fear of mistakes.
Fear of all the things that could go wrong.
Fear of not being perfect.
Fear of….

Almost 23 years ago I found abstinence. In recovery I put away the god of my childhood and met a God who unconditionally loves me. He equips me with what I need to get through the day. I recognized what was within my control and what wasn’t. God gave me the wisdom to know the difference. I was led to people who counsel me in true grace. Mistakes and shortcomings are ways of redemption, not prisons.

The little voice’s name is Little Orphan Annie. When life gets stressful, Annie tempts me with control. Divine love answers with: Taste and see that The Lord is good. I go to yoga and practice being still and knowing He is God.

When my clothes don’t fit right and Annie suggests how out of control fat is, Divine Love reminds me how perfectly I am loved. The choice to believe that love quiets my fear. Divine love leads me.

Thinking I was fat was only a symptom. It never was about being fat. It was always about fear. Anorexia was my medication for anxiety.  Only growing in Divine Love brought me to sanity and true peace.

2 comments:

  1. Interesting perspective. Sounds like the god of your childhood was quite the exacting kind of falsehood. Glad you figured out the Truth. I *know* it but I guess I don't trust it.

    And I kind of feel like my fat is beside the point. And now I wish for 98.

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    Replies
    1. I plan on writing more, but my week went left when I wanted it to go right. Trusting the truth came with much kicking, screaming and arguing. I found that the more I asked, the more answers I found. The biggest brain cramp was believing a loving God could exist. Rereading all those scriptures and Bible Stories from a different perspective.

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