Sunday, February 9, 2014

Ten Things of Thankful #34

Ten Things of Thankful

The last two weeks have been challenging, and the gratitudes are long with a spice of snark. It has been perfect storm of PMDD (PMS on steroids,) PTSD triggers and fibro. Just when I would find a calm even keel, a migraine would hit followed by an anxiety trigger.

Photo taken by krystle
So… I’ve been swimming and sailing along.

I read this post on A Deeper Story by Elizabeth Esther about relationships. Much of the PTSD anxiety I wrestle with is based within a relationship structure. Much of my recovery centered around defining my responsibly and obligations with people. Learning to recognize what is and is not healthy. In Elizabeth’s article she discusses the epiphany of Intensity vs. Intimacy. I realized this was a missing ingredient. In maintaining a healthy balance in a friendship, I felt I was lacking an emotional element. I still craved Intensity and did not recognize the Intimacy. It was a brain puzzle that spun me for a few days as that paradigm shifted. Emotional healing, for me, comes one piece at a time. I am grateful to rest in the simplicity of Intimacy and let go of the emotional roller coaster of Intensity. (1)

*Snark* I am so grateful to live in California right now. Typically after a windstorm, we have rain. This time we did not, which meant for the next week those dirt particulates fell to the ground. Each day when I went outside, more dirt was on the ground. Add to that the unseasonable warmth and the trees think it is time to bloom.  The gift of snorting all of that dirt and pollen was a sinus infection which triggered migraines.(2)

THANK GOD! for NielMed’s sinus wash, it is the only thing that works for me. Antibiotics don’t work for me when it comes to sinusitis. Working with my body does. So I sacrifice my femininity, lean over a sink and squirt water through my nose.(3)

*Snark* So while y’all are complaining about the Polar Vortex and hogging all the snow, I’m feeling really jealous.(4) We here in California are setting up for an epic drought. This is a picture of California in January.

Side by side photo from NBC article. Originally from NASA
Governor Jerry Brown declared a State of Emergency.(5) Between the freezes we had in December, which crippled the California Citrus crop AND the Governor’s refusal to have Northern California share their water, our Central Valley agriculture’s losses will be significant. You won’t see it until summer when your produce section’s costs raise. Yes. Our state argues over water rights. Northern California believes their water goes to fill San Diego and LA’s swimming pools and keep their lawns green. While that unfortunately can be true, most of the water goes to the farmers. Think about us while you enjoy your salad, carrots and fruit.

RAIN!!! (6) Off and on we finally had some over the last two weeks. It finally washed all the dirt out of the air. We can kind of see an outline of mountains now. It smelled amazing!! Aside from the barometric pressure helping the migraine party.

Migraines-they keep me humble.(7) I found this infographic and now understand better when I am getting one. Rarely do they move into a full blown headache. I’ve had auras off and on over the last two weeks. Who wouldn’t want to have their own personal fireworks show? My thoughts are jumbled and it’s a crap shoot of what actually comes out of my mouth. The F*** word flies out of my mouth with tourette syndrome like timing. My kids find it hilarious and I do laugh about it. I also avoid my fundamentalist Christian friends during times like this because hyper-rationality is not very touchy feely.

Between Counting Mutant and I it often comes down to personality. Within the Meyers-Briggs sixteen types, he is an INTP and I am an ESFJ. One of his strongest motivators is autonomy. One of my strongest is harmony. In simple terms: he doesn’t care (within an action context) while I do. Apparently this is something he and God have been discussing

SO (8)

Last Sunday, on his walk with the dogs, this sweet girl followed him home. He knew we couldn’t keep her. I knew, unless adopted, Animal Control would be her end. We all loved on her. Walked and jogged her. She wouldn’t sleep crated, and at 3am, Mutant thought maybe she was like Lassie- on her way somewhere. He opened the front door and she bolted.  Twenty minutes later, Daisy and Watson started barking and sure enough, she was at the front door wanting to be let in. so Mutant spent the night on the couch with her.

Watson and Daisy even got into the action.

It was a busy, crowded overwhelming two days. I asked Counting Mutant what he thought the lesson was. His answer:

To care.

She was lost and needed someone to care for her. To feed her, play with her, love on her and give her safe shelter. In spite of the fact that we hated how this would most likely end, we were called to care.

Monday afternoon Animal Control came to get her. She was microchipped and belonged to someone. Albeit relieved, I cried. Not bawled, simply leaked for hours.

On Friday(9) I checked up on her. The owners hadn’t come. In the afternoon, GirlyK and I went out to visit her. She recognized our voice as we walked the corridor. We were greeted with wiggles and licks through the fence. She pressed her body against the links so we could pet her.

I began to leak again. UGLY leaking.

The tech told me the owners didn’t want her anymore. She was scheduled to be put down that night. The tech said, “If you think you can get a rescue to come get her I can give her a day or two.”

I had already plastered Facebook looking for her owners and been updating with news. With a promise of me doing my best, the tech promised to move her to the adoption side and give her until Tuesday at 4.

Photo taken by Jusben
I leaked all the way home. I cried as I contacted a rescue and shared more photos on Facebook. I felt like someone ripped out my heart. Angry that Counting Mutant decided he needed to begin caring just when I found harmony with him not. Anxiety stole my breath for the next hours. I couldn’t stop. Just when I found my center, my stupid eyes would begin leaking again. Finally at 1:30am, with Mutant snoring peacefully and in quiet leaking hysterics I began to yell at God. Earlier in the week I listened to Johnathan Martin's (10) sermon about Job: Making Friends With Monsters and swimming in the sea of chaos. Instead of asking for the pain and tears to stop, I asked what my lesson was and how to swim.

The answer: I was swimming in a sea of abandonment.

I felt like I failed her. I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t change the course of her life. AND I CARED! Thankful for Lizzi and England’s time I was able to find an even keel. With a stiff upper lip and a gentle smack on my face I could begin snapping out of it. Lizzi gave me a new word “Poleaxed” which was exactly what I was feeling. She granted me validation the task was fulfilled: love that dog, then let her go. That was NOT abandonment. My part in her story was over, even if I didn't like it.

Holy Spirit whispered these words: Well done good and faithful servant.

DAMnit! Now I am leaking again…

This just in... a rescue will put a hold on her on Tuesday and pick her up on Wednesday. She will go into a foster home with a dog trainer and they will place her in a forever home from there. 



    SO glad it was helpful. I wasn't meaning to be unfeeling, ever, I promise you that. You did the right and wonderful thing by this dog, whatever the outcome.

    1. It didn't come across as unfeeling. It was the perfect anchoring thing for my brain. (It has a mind of its own)

      As soon as it had a word to call it, and then choosing to believe what we did was "good enough." I was able to sleep. All yesterday your word and "HUGE good enough" kept the abandonment trigger on course for rewiring. Here's to recovery *lifts glass.*

  2. Wow, what a week you've had!
    I've been very thankful for the NeilMed sinus rinse in the past - that stuff really does work. Hope you're feeling better on all fronts. Have a wonderful week!

  3. What a happy ending =)
    I sympathize with your PMDD/PTSD/Fibro stuff. It's rough.


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