Beccalynn married a Counting Mutant. Together they created a Renaissance family. Wild Oat found them in his 20s and now is married with three kids. Ase and Zany, former dancers who now bravely face life as emerging adults. Girly dances, collects dead things and faces her teen years with superpower logic. Creatively they navigate life through Jesus’ gift, asking uncomfortable questions to discover the deep love that awaits us all.
“Be angry, but don't sin - don't let the sun go down before
you have dealt with the cause of your anger; otherwise you leave room for the
Adversary.” Ephesians 4:26-27
I thought I was over it. But my brain has a mind of its own
and every holiday season I am reminded of what is missing.
I want to be done.
More tears have been spent on making myself be peace about the
circumstances. I have forgiven those who misrepresented me. In my own strength
extended grace to those who choose to believe gossip. I understand that who I
am will never be accepted. I don’t hold it against them. They have their own
pain to deal with. I cannot judge them because I did have a part to play.
I have owned my part. Offered amends for my shortcomings and
accepted that the damage is irreversible. No longer do I feel the need to be
understood or validated. I only wish them well on their life journey.
I re-examine Forgiveness: analyze it from their point of
view. Where were my expectations unrealistic? What life experience motivated
the choices they made. I feel empathy. I understand. I check to see if I hold
any expectations of justice or reconciliation with them. I almost feel peace.
Then… something burns under the surface of my soul.
Anger is checked and I filter through all its definitions:
Anger is a secondary emotion, find out the primary source
and resolve it. Then anger will diffuse-check. Did that.
Anger is a messenger. Ask her what the question is, answer
it and then anger will be satisfied- check. Did that.
Then GirlyK and I were watching Bones. Sweets interrogating
someone said, “Anger is triggered by unmet expectations.”
A glowing hot spear stabs my heart. I missed my own
feelings. I never allowed myself to simply feel. Every examination has focused
on them. Empathy, sympathy, forgiveness and grace extended to them, but never
My brain recoils: that’s selfish. That’s not Christlike.
Indulging my sin nature gives room to all kinds of evil. I am not supposed to
think about me in this situation for it to be resolved. They were the ones
wronged. Not me…
But I must. I must filter through it all again this time
granting permission to feel. The tools of recovery have taught me only through
truth in love can real healing occur.
I awaken at 3:00 with the realization of this unlovely
truth: I feel resentful. As I try to fall back asleep, Holy Spirit gently
unravels the thick black wire shield which encases my beautiful pink heart.
Looking closer I see barbs which point outward, intending to protect my heart
from harm. The Still Small Voice calls them resentment. On the inside of the
wire are smaller, sharper spines. Still Small Voice calls them bitterness.
In the hands of Divine Love I understand that while I
protected myself with frustrated resentment, each time my heart encountered
those people, the shield pressed into my heart. Those little spines of
bitterness added pain which triggered a landslide of anxiety. Longing for
freedom I submit to the Healer. As I release my own feelings, a healthy prettypicket fence will surround my heart. With healthy boundaries I will have clarity. True grace
will I finally be able to extend