To Because Of...

I am not sure when February began. It is the month when migraines like that come to visit. I am unable to talk. Yes, I did continue to isolate. I did lose more relationships. It is a consequence of the darkness; Fibromyalgia, Migraines, Depression, Anxiety, PTSD, etc. All of it carries a heavy price for the people around me.

I wish I could control it.

I wish the illnesses would never hurt anyone.

I wish the illnesses would just go away. 

I understand and accept the illness won’t magically evaporate. I accept my baggage is too much. Boundaries are about what an individual can tolerate. It is not my right to impose my boundaries on other people. There are some things I can tolerate. On the things I cannot tolerate, I politely excuse myself.  I have to allow other people the same rights with their boundaries. 

Somehow in the middle of the Magical Migraine tour, I found an online university to finish my undergrad. I found an employment platform that has a potential for generating income. 

I had no plan, I only had The Next Indicated Step. I took each next indicated step I saw. If a relationship needed to go on hiatus, I let it go. If school needed a form filled out, I completed the task. If terms needed to be negotiated in good faith, I negotiated.

Then Covid 19. Life happened to all of us in the middle of Our plans. 

Suddenly I wasn’t alone in a freefall, survival mode. The whole humanity was. It was socially acceptable to not leave the house. KJ not going to school yet was now a smart decision. I still practiced what I knew, walking in the next indicated step. When terms were reneged, I let them go. When the employment platform became complicated, I worked at learning how to adapt. I worked through a first term of school. 

Slowly as I moved through March, April and May I began it realize I no longer 

Lived In Spite Of…

I quietly was healing and shifting into 

Living Because Of…

The Dark Thoughts still came when hope seemed the dimmest. I have problems at the moment that look insurmountable and bleak, however those Dark Thoughts are not quite as overwhelming as they were a year ago. They don’t blind me. 

Working through this month I am in my second session of university. I still am grinding through the platform trying to get something to work for me. My resumé is fairly shiny. I almost can hear something that sounds like my own voice. I really like the way it sounds and the ideas it has. I love dearly the people who are in my life. 

The people who have followed a different path than mine? I send love to them. I hope they find the solutions they need. Some relationships our paths will cross again in time, because that’s just how life flows. Other relationships will sail on into their own sunset. 

For today? I still have no plan. I have no idea how any of this will turn out. I continually invent a new future that I never imagined every day. I still feel terrified by it all.

However, I no longer feel any In Spite Of… 

I live Because Of the Love I experienced this year.

I live Because Of the miracles I’ve seen this year. 

I live Because Of what I let go of this year.

I live Because Of how I healed this year.