I Don't Miss It

I miss you.

Sometimes those words give my heart a warm pitter patter of fluffy bunny memories. Laughter until my sides ached and ice cream sundaes. Dance parties, horse back riding and secrets spoken in the dark. A place of safety, innocence and mutuality.

Other times...

My heart freezes, bracing for the next blow. Trapped in the torture of a toxic relationship these words are bait. Scars flame in memory of pain and rejection. Words spoken in the past bounce around my head - judgement, blame flavored with bitterness.

It took a long time for me to learn what my part in a toxic relationship was. Boundaries I overstepped. Vulcan logic heard as insult and judgement. Once I understood, I reached out to make amends and make a behavior change. I listened more intently so as to not make the same mistake again.

Only to step into a new minefield labyrinth of mistakes. Like a starfish, a limb would be lost, but I would grow it back again: all in hopes that at the end of the day the relationship would be filled with love, grace and equality.

Then I woke up. I made of an ass of myself. I assumed the person wanted me in their life. My presence was more than just geography and convenience for them. I believed the other person honestly liked me and valued the journey we walking together. The reality; my existence in their life was by default not desire. 

In order to thrive a paradigm needed a shift. I disciplined myself to reciprocate. If someone had a need, I could happily serve. As I watched satisfaction color their soul I felt joy. I needed nothing else. Some of my relationships now are one sided. Others are mutually beneficial. I have found fulfillment in both. The difference is, my worth as a person does not stem from the success or failure of these affiliations.

On occasions, my path crosses those past acquaintances which proved to be most painful. Three little words spoken and I freeze the urge to vomit. I wonder what is missed about me. Who would miss a bull after he left a china shop? Would anyone regret removing the pebble in a shoe? I cannot respond because of the word constipation in my brain. Those three words are irrational.

Then I saw this quote and understood. It put the word "miss" into a different context. I miss the smell of summer thunderstorms of my childhood. The romantic idea of becoming a famous singer/actor. It isn't the person, it is the idea. The presence. The fragrance. The romantic idea. 

That is logical. It hurts to visit that ideal, because it was so wrong. Contentment is within the reality of today. A peace of mind built on trust. Teaching myself not to jump to conclusions, but allow a camaraderie to grow organically watered with mutuality. Value for value. I weigh my words before they are spoken. Then ask myself: am I listening as much as talking? Love ebbs and flows. People weave in and out of life on their own paths. Finding the joy in the moment with them is what matters.

Sovereignty and Parades

Originally posted on February 20, 2011

How powerful is God?  How far does his authority stretch?  What is really under his control? How is sovereignty defined?

 To some, God is an origin.  Once everything began rolling; he withdrew his hands and sat back to watch. This God stands in a pet store surrounded by tanks full of fish. He can see things working out, the colorful dance and school to a musical rhythm. Yet, big fish attack little fish, gold ones bloated with disease struggle for air and he simply stands there looking through the glass, helpless and limited.  

Others consider God a great puppet master. Giant hands pull and weave on strings attached to everything. Free will has no place in this scenario.Marionettes dance and interact without choice; bantered around by whims. A set story is in play and their wooden arms and legs helplessly clink to the plot and tune. God is small and restricted.

A third view is God, flying a helicopter over a parade. The coordination is immense.  The path is mapped out. All participants know the destination. Those sitting on the curb watch the artistry flow past them. When the unexpected happens, blades of a helicopter tickle the hearing of those on the street. The pilot and coordinator can see the beginning and the end of the parade. They watch the choices of the bands, float drivers, parade walkers and spectators. Through radio, they advise direction changes. Listeners on the ground trust those in the air and follow the correction. The snarl is fixed.  In spite of what went wrong the parade continues.   

When I stumbled upon this definition my mind was blown. God sees all and knows all yet, he works in spite of it, limitless. He allowed Adam and Eve a choice; let His knowledge be enough or trust a piece of

fruit. They chose the fruit. Our Creator is above, watching the flow of that original choice play out. I am faced with a choice every day. I can to listen to His counsel or solve it myself. Pride says I can solve it myself. Humility tells me to listen to the One who has a greater point of view and follow those instructions. Any solution I concocted would fall short of complete. A deep gratitude wells within my soul. I feel awe that he is interested in me and satisfied that he cares for me.  

Yes, I Will See Magic Mike

 Originally posted on July 7, 2012

A film inspired by personal experience opened last weekend. After the deluge of posts and comments I hit saturation. On one side of the fence, pictures of dancing naked men sparked a frenzied countdown. On the other, words of religious exhortation and declarations of "purity."

Photo from MovieLine

I am a fan of Channing Tatum. His work as a dancer and actor is admired by all in my house. My boys, who dance, will stop at nothing to watch his artistry and athleticism. Being a fan, I researched his latest film. Read articles and interviews about the inspiration for Magic Mike. In my favorite article, he addresses the dark world of stripping. Similar to Demi Moore's movie Striptease, the window of reality is pealed back to reveal a shadow of what life is like.

In the present society of sexual equality, women expect the same titillating entertainment. Actors like Joey Lawrence sign with Chippendales in Las Vegas for a limited engagement. Girls' night out is more than coffee, cookies and a chick flick. I want to understand what life behind the curtain is like for these men. I did watch "Striptease" for this very reason years ago. Last weekend I was blown away by the athleticism of the pole dancers in "Rock of Ages." 

Photo taken by DaveO

The business of selling one's body is complex. It is dark. The people who choose or fall into this profession often feel trapped in it. Why? Because it isn't a simple job done for a few months to pay the rent until something else comes along. The money is great. The shame is overwhelming. Walking through the grocery store they hear whispers. Men gaze across fast food restaurants and whisper to each other. Christians plug their ears, cover their eyes and run away screaming "purity!" Where would these exotic dancers go if they wanted to leave? Who would interview them? Would the next job they were able to secure pay the rent?

Photo taken by steffenbuus

I am curious about the world Channing Tatum walked away from. I will be watching this film. Why? To enjoy the story telling of Channing, Matt Bomer, Matthew McConaughey and others in the film. I will appreciate their athleticism. I will also step outside of my comfort zone to learn from the social commentary presented. I hope it will open my eyes and ears. I hope it teaches me grace and humility.

 "There, but for the grace of God..." John Bradford

Afterword:  I did see the movie and it was exactly what I expected: seedy, and tragic. I admire anyone who chooses the uncut path.